Friday, September 5, 2014

Potty Time

You know that people that can use any bathroom, anytime, regardless of where it is or who's in the room with them? I am NOT one of those people and I can't wrap my head around Proud Poopers. I've worked with and known a lot of proud poopers...they are the people that you see in your office with a smile on their face and a rolled up magazine of newspaper in their hand or under their arm making their way to the restroom.
How does one become poop confident? Have you ever noticed proud poopers are the ones that seem to be able to make paint peel or wallpaper start curling at the corners? They also seem to be the ones that frequently don't flush, knowing they didn't and not caring who happens to come upon their mess.
David Sedaris has a great story in his book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" regarding a "BIG BOY" someone left in the commode at a party . The story perfectly chronicles a situation we've all found ourselves in...or at least me.
I'm seriously bathroom shy, I think my grandmother on my mom's side for my bathroom phobia. The woman seemed obsessed with the bathroom habits of others. I remember my uncle John telling everyone about a time that my grandmother made a casserole and included some sort of laxatives in it to make sure everyone stayed regular...Uncle John ate a pack of prunes a day and let's just say a double does of poop inducing substances made for a hilarious and memorable story that I'll never forget.
The summer of 1980, before we moved into the Holiday Subdivision in Mobile my mom, sister and I stayed with my grandparents for a few months. I enjoyed my bathroom time...mainly because it was the only time I didn't hear my grandmother's voice...she talked...A LOT. So I'm in the bathroom, just finished using the bathroom and start to tug on the toilet paper roll...3 sheets into the pull and I hear my grandmother's midwestern accent from behind the wall announcing "That's more than enough." It scared the shit out of me. Was I on Candid Camera? Are you kidding 3 sheets? I guess that's enough for someone that insisted on using A Kleenex until it was crusty and in pieces and even still, it's usefulness hadn't yet expired...You got more wipe was in that baby before it got flushed.
Do you know what that does to a guy? Ever been in the bathroom in a store or restaurant or office and seen the door open and close but no one comes in? It wasn't a ghost...It was probably me. I'll pee in public only if I know no one is in the restroom...unless I'm about to piss on myself...Weird for a guy that's made a few G's by peeing on pervs huh? I thank my grandmother for my uncanny talent of avoiding the can and holding it until I get home.

Over time, I found several businesses that I knew weren't poopable places...Borders (now closed), Barnes and Noble, Wal-Mart, Target (unless it's in the family restroom), Home Depot, Lowes and Best Buy. If there's a hole in the stall wall...keep your fingers out of it and don't look at it or put your business anywhere near it. For every restroom I avoid, I found one I din't mind...Nordstrom, Belk, Hobby Lobby, World Market, Publix and Marriott Hotel lobbies.
BTW, a funny OR sad fact about me: I have actually gone as far as closing a shop I managed for an hour just to go home and poop...Thanks granny!!!

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