Thursday, September 4, 2014

ABC's Running Down My Legs

This is one of those experienced that I wish I could erase from my memory every time I think of it. Sort of nasty but amusing at the same time.
During the summer when I was out of school, my mom always had lunch ready for me around 12:30. I always knew to be in the house by 12:30 or I'd get nothing to eat. My lunches were basically simple, either a ham or turkey sandwich on white bread and Delchamps, Winn Dixie or Piggly Wiggly store branded BBQ or Sour Cream and Onion chips or a can of soup and crackers. I actually preferred soup over sandwiches. My mom kept a variety of soups in the pantry, Chicken with Stars, Chicken Noodle, Vegetable Beef and Alphabet Soup. Essentially, my lunch consisted of a low calorie liquid diet...BTW, the soups were usually store brands, not Campbells. I didn't care and to this day, I can't really tell the difference since they all taste like salt.
For dinner, my mom, sometimes unsure of herself, would fry chicken...Seasoned well but usually burned on one side and the other side would look perfect but the meat by the bone would be cold and sometimes not well cooked...yes this does figure into this story.
So this one really hot summer day, after I'd had my lunch consisting of soup, I'm at the neighbor's house. They had a pool and we didn't. Kim McKenzie would invite me over when she had nothing else to do...which didn't happen very often because her mom didn't really care for me...she thought I was a weird child, he had a weird son also but I guess no one realized that until later on. So Kim and I are playing in the pool, and all of a sudden I feel a hot rumble in my tummy. I knew I had a minute or so to get to the bathroom. Kim told me I'd have to go home to use the bathroom...Little did she know I'd already peed in the pool, twice.
I make it home, to find the doors were locked. I ring the doorbell, no answer. I run to the back door and entry door from our utility/laundry room to find they are locked also. My mom would sometimes lock us out of the house during the day to give us plenty of outside play time and keep us out of her hair. I was desperately trying to get into the house, mom didn't know that I wasn't allowed to use the McKenzie's bathroom. I remember my sister sometimes leaves her bedroom window lock unlocked so I run back around the house, standing barefoot in the bushes wearing only a pair of shorts only to realize the window is locked that day. By this time, my shorts are completely dried, I wasn't supposed to have been in the pool that day anyway so I thought I'd have no problem fooling my mom thanks to fast drying shorts. I run over to my bedroom window...LOCKED stomach was churning my ass burning and my feet are hurting from the pine bark my dad kept under the bushes. Standing in the bushes I look down and all of a sudden I can't hold it anymore...I look down and see ABCDEFG, carrot, L M N O SHIT I gotta pee too. So I shit myself so I might as well piss myself also. The slightly undercooked chicken from the night before caught up with me. I think I'm done so I turn on the waterhose next to me to clean myself up. I run next door to find Kim going inside, she was done swimming. So there I am, not wet from the pool but from our waterhose and I have to go back home.
As I round the corner I find my mom standing at the front window and here I come running from the neighbor's house WET. She slammed open the door and said "I heard the waterhose come on." Seriously? I'm ringing the doorbell, knocking and trying to get in and the only thing that gets her attention is the sound of the waterhose? She assumed I was trying to rinse the chlorine smell off of me I guess...since I wasn't supposed to be in the pool that day.

So a recap of the events
Undercooked Chicken.
Swimming next door when I should have just been playing Barbies with Kim.
Peed in the pool twice, not allowed to use the McKenzie bathroom.
Locked out of the house.
Spewed the alphabet from my ass.
Washed myself off.
Waterhose get's mom's attention over the doorbell and beating on the doors.

And the grand finale...I got an ass whoopin' in wet shorts...Let's just say a belt hitting your ass in something wet is JUST like getting whipped while naked.
The house...though it looked NOTHING like this when I lived there.

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