Friday, August 1, 2014

My Crush Crushed By Puke

We've all had to go to school while we were sick at one time or another. Well, at least those of us that actually went to school. My mom's motto was "If you don't throw up, shit yourself or aren't laid up in a hospital bed, they you will be at school." My could usually tell when we were too sick to go to school and force us to stay home. There are, however, dumbass parents out there that insist their sick kids go to school.
From the time I started kindergarten until the end of the second grade, my bus ride to school was a thirty mile trek up and down hills which can be nausea inducing for a completely healthy child. Throughout my kindergarten year, there was a 5th grader that rode my bus that was everything I wanted to be...Not wearing clothes from the TG&Y, athletic (yeah I know he was only a fifth grader) and really good looking...Not sure if he really was but I thought so at the time and it was my first boy crush and I tried to sit near where I knew he might sit everytime he got on the bus. This particular day, by luck, he didn't sit near me because fifteen or so miles into our way to school we hear a gag, heave and a prompt splash. Within a few seconds, every kid on the bus was scrambling to get the windows down...A move of despiration thanks to the fact that it was in the middle of January and freezing cold but fourty four kids preferred shivering to the fumes of permiating vomit in a long tube with no circulation for the duration of fifteen more miles.
It didn't take me long to realize the source of our collective discomfort was "my man" and in one fell splash my crush was crushed. He was crying and not as tough and manly as I he just puked. We have fifteen more miles to go up and down hills and this kid must have been super dehydrated because it seemed every bit of fluid in him must have been on the floor of the bus. Gravity kicked in...the floor of the bus became a vomity wave pool of milky, juicy, watery, cereally, disgusting funk. From the front of the bus to the back and back to the front on a twisting hilly road at thirty five miles an hour in the freezing cold and well...No one's feet touched that floor.
Grooves in the aisle of a school bus floor.
Debussing was tricky. Our driver, Mrs. Horton, wouldn't let us budding gymnists climb out the windows or flip over the seats so we were stuck. The kids in the front half of the bus stradled the edges of the seats and exit through the front door where a puddle of vomit awaited them on the stairs. We lucky bitches in the back followed suit but we had a back exit door that we could jump from with no puddle of puke. Mrs. Horton tried to clean the bus as best as she could but it still reeked of vomit for a week.
From that moment on, I vowed that would never EVER be me. Over the course of my school years, there were many kids that gave the janitors workouts with mops and the peppermint scented kitty litter shit they throw on puke...NEVER ME...I can't say that I've not been spotted puking in public though...When I did, I did it in style....Once in a plant at Burkhardts and again in front of the governors mansion in Atlanta.

Emetrol Anyone?

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